How Early Trauma Caused Much of My Anxiety

I am inclined to believe that living in a stressful environment triggers OCD. As a new mother who suffered from depression and anxiety, the compounding factor of being in a dysfunctional relationship seemed to be the trigger in the development of my OCD.

My husband was an alcoholic and often abused me, verbally, physically, emotionally and financially. I became consumed with the compulsion to discard things in my home. I look back with regret when I realize the importance of things I threw or gave away. Sometimes, I even re-purchased similar items to replace things I threw out or donated.

The process of getting rid of purging became cyclic. I recall, getting rid of items I had stored in plastic boxes, then I got rid of the boxes. I would feel “better”, or just get a desire to purchase something. Then I had to move other things around to “purge” myself when I became overwhelmed by the ritual of shopping.

 

Other times, I got rid of “things” when I was overwhelmed with emotions and did not realize I was not finding a proper outlet for my emotions. My husband only made my condition worse by calling me “crazy” or “unstable.” Sometimes I purged items when I was experiencing symptoms of PMS. He called me “hormonal” when he discussed such issues to my in-laws (who also called me “crazy” and “unstable”).

I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD several years ago. At the time when I was diagnosed, the two disorders were listed in the same category in the DSM. In 2013, the fifth edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) remains under the section under anxiety disorders, OCD is under a section labeled as “Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. Included under this category are hoarding disorder, trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder), and body dysmorphic disorder. Though individuals suffering from GAD and OCD tend to spend much time worrying, the difference is that people with OCD rely on physical or mental rituals (compulsions) to relieve stress caused by an obsession. Those with GAD tend to worry about “real” problems, while those with OCD are plagued by intrusive thoughts that are somewhat illogical or unrealistic, such as unnecessary counting, or a preoccupation with symmetry.

Though my GAD may have progressed into OCD during my marriage, I recall other stages in my life where I have been afflicted by one or both of these disorders. In my twenties, I attended college despite my impairing social anxiety disorder. I rarely made any social connections during my academic pursuits. I managed to take several drawing classes as part of my graphic design course load. I became repulsed by using pencils in my drawing classes. I was unable to pick up the charcoal sticks to complete my work because I was focused on the trail of dust left behind from the materials. The dust was attached to my artist’s toolbox and my portfolio. I spent a great deal of effort obsessing about the dust and eraser crumbs in my tools and supplies. Years after I dropped out of my classes, I tried to save the pieces I had labored over, but like everything else that had some sentimental value, I discarded them too (OCD Almost Destroyed My Creativity!).

Exposed To Adult Life

As children, my sister and I became fixtures at the local bars. From ages 10 until about 12, we were dragged along to a number of bars near our house so my mom could drink and be with my dad. The bar was a dive and quite disgusting. My mom bought us pop and Slim Jims, and I sat at the booth with my sister. Sometimes we were allowed to pick songs on the jukebox (I played, “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac and “Rapture” by Blondie on a loop!).

At times, it felt glamorous to hang out in bars. Other times, it was unsettling to see adults become less inhibited, argumentative, and repulsive. I could get a sense when people were getting too “loose”…almost an innate vide to warn of impending danger (in my adult life, this “sense” was clouded by my own self-doubt and afflictions).

My mom got annoyed when I sat on the barstool next to her, spinning around, so she sent me off with a constant supply of quarters to play arcade games and the pinball machine. When I 12, I was old enough to not have to sit at the bar. At some point, it was decided that I was old enough to take care of everybody else.

I was appointed the neighborhood babysitter- my mom offered my babysitting services to her friend so they could go out drinking. I was given no instructions on how to feed, entertain, or comfort the kids. The house in which I cared for them didn’t appear to show signs of toys, books or anything that could help me occupy the kids while they left us for hours on end. We sat in front of the TV, bored, tired and hungry until they returned after the bars closed at 2:30 AM. Sadly, when I became a mother, I was haunted feelings of inadequacies due to these experiences.

Help! I’m Starving Myself (To Get Control And Acceptance!)

At age 14 I developed an eating disorder. When I stood in front of the mirror, I would section off the parts of my body I deemed too fat. Within six months I had dropped down to size 2 in jeans. I survived by drinking soda and eating just one item per day, usually a school lunch item, as to not draw too much attention to my disorder.

At dinner time, I covered food in napkins, moved food around on my plate, or I simply gave the food to the dog. Eventually, my mom realized my tactics and I had to eat more of my dinner. I still rationed my food, or only ate half servings. This went on for four years. When I overcame one element of my disorder, it manifested in some other way, as in discarding things. Sometimes I purged the food I ingested, but mostly I purged “things”.

My compulsion to discard things is more manageable now. I have limited contact with people that may provoke or trigger anxiety and OCD symptoms. I try to be more mindful by writing in a journal and meditating on my faith. I also keep a few empty boxes out of sight for those times when I feel compelled to purge. My rule is that I must wait a few days before deciding the permanent home for all the “things”. This time allows me to sort my thoughts, gain clarity and determine the reasons why I feel the intrusive thoughts.

 

References:

Glasofer, Deborah R., Ph.D., “What Is the Difference Between GAD and OCD?”

www.verywell.com, July 28, 2016, accessed August 21, 2016.

 

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Simple Changes That Improve Anxiety Disorders

“Remember that stress doesn’t come from what’s going on in your life. It comes from your thoughts about what’s going on in your life.” -Andrew J. Bernstein

The word “stress” often gets a bad rap, thanks to “anxiety.” Since stress is often the precipitating trigger in anxiety disorders, it is perceived as a negative experience. Stress is defined as your body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience. Anxiety, on the other hand, doesn’t resolve itself once the triggering event has subsided.

Anxiety is prolonged and debilitating. Disorders, such as GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) leave individuals feeling a sense of doom. Although stress can trigger anxiety, more often than not, the causes of anxiety are not always easily identified.

Years ago, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia and GAD. I felt somewhat relieved to know that a “fear of the marketplace” (agoraphobia) was a logical explanation for some of my distress about running errands or going shopping.

In retrospect, I was afraid of being around a lot of people, in situations where I might find it hard to get away if needed. I especially feared being judged when I was a new mother. I feared people might say rude things to my kids, or criticize my parenting style (they did!). A simple comment on how to manage my children when they cried in the long lines, or how I should discipline then if they misbehaved often left me feeling depressed and apprehensive. My head often grew heavy when I even thought about going out in public!

GAD, on the other hand, is a more mysterious anxiety disorder. GAD is defined by WebMD as, excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worries about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can’t stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.”

So, what is the proper amount of worry about everyday life events? How much is a normal amount of worrying about important things such as health, money, family, work, or school? Possibly, is it an abstract amount of worry that can only be defined by the extent of uneasiness it causes to an individual? Why do some handle such pressures effortlessly, while others are plagued by apprehension or displeasure?

When I experience agoraphobia and GAD as a new parent (who possibly was afflicted by postpartum depression), I was limited into tapping into a source of support, and sources of guidance and encouragement. However, I took advantage of reading and talk therapy in some support groups. I lacked supportive family and friends, so I had to seek out my tribe. Only those people could understand me. Such groups offered a reciprocal dynamic.

What differentiates my ability to cope with stress now compared to those years?

  • Closer to a supportive family (father and stepmother)
  • Stable job
  • Having a reliable source of income (see above)
  • Wisdom, experience, maturity, insight, perception
  • Ability to reframe events and experiences
  • Writing in a journal when I have a difficult problem
  • Knowledge and implementation of nutrition and exercise
  • Stable environment for my children
  • A work schedule that allows me to maximize time with my family
  • Seeking spirituality each day

For me, changes in environments, income, neighborhood- physical resources, have contributed, I suppose. Experience, wisdom, maturity, insight, and perception have helped me significantly. These things do not occur overnight, nor can a prescription cure all elements of anxiety or stress. Understanding that we live in a dynamic, cyclic and rhythmic world, and forming internal and external patterns to accompany this understanding is a crucial step in coping with stress.

Break Into Smaller Tasks

I have also learned to break up problems and tasks into smaller pieces. If I am faced with a vast amount of tasks that need my attention at once, I can only delegate- to myself, that is, I must assign myself different steps to complete the tasks. And, most of all, I ask for help, even when I think others might judge me.

Allow Time For Issues To Improve

Just as we need time to adjust our internal rhythm, the problems and external forces surrounding our stress need time. Time for resolution, time to plan, time to delegate, etc. Time doesn’t have to be considered an enemy. When we are mindful about stress, we should actively pace our breathing to reset our bodies from a “fight or flight” response to a response that is confident and able to handle challenges.

 

References:

  1. (https://www.healthstatus.com/health_blog/depression-stress-anxiety/how-is-anxiety-different-from-stress/)
  2. (https://www.psycom.net/stress-vs-anxiety-difference)
  3. (https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/generalized-anxiety-disorder#1)

 

How Leaving an Abusive Relationship Helped Me at Life

“One thing I know for sure – this motherhood thing is not for sissies.” -Jennifer Nettles

Working on the weekend while my kids were home without me gave me much time to worry about them. Running parts on a machine weren’t especially challenging, which is why my thoughts drift. While most of my thoughts centered on my family, there were momentary lapses of reflection on my career goals, my limitations, and what topics to write about for my blog.

I’m almost certain that I was experiencing mixed episodes yesterday, and my thoughts continued to race all day. I hadn’t felt depressed much, mostly manic. This made me wonder if I was cured of my bipolar depression. If I was cured of depression, did that mean I was now “unipolar?” I read a little about unipolar disorder, and how it’s sometimes misdiagnosed as ADHD. I wanted to write a post about unipolar disorder, then I switched gears and wanted to explore the concept of mood disorders diminishing of changing with various life stages.

Societal Ideals And Social Stigma of Motherhood And Depression

But, when I was considering the components of each life stage in my own experiences, I got stuck on the stage in my life when I suffered from postpartum depression. I never had the chance to talk about that time until now. There seems to be even more stigma attached to postpartum depression than any other disorder. The most obvious reason is that mothers are supposed to level-headed, nurturing, patient, self-sacrificing, etc.

jordan-rowland-716367-unsplash

When a woman feels she lacks in these qualities, she doesn’t disclose such information. In my case, I would ask other women open-ended questions that were loosely related to postpartum depression. If the recipient wasn’t receptive, engaging, or seemed to show an unsupportive attitude, I dropped the subject. I usually moved on from my own issues and start to talk about marriage and relationships- to see if my thoughts about a matter were substantiated by others.

One of the things I would mention was how much my husband drank and how he behaved when he returned from drinking. I was in a fog about my relationship problems because I was so wrapped up in getting help for my depression, and learning how to be a new parent. My husband used to ridicule me because I tried to sing to my kids, and he scoffed at the notion of “real” women having a necessity to read books on how to take care of your children.

Seeking Refuge, Finding Nothing

Sadly, he wasn’t the only unsupportive person during those years of depression. When I had to leave the house because of the violence, I found it very hard to feel supported at the women’s shelter in which I and my kids took refuge. The shelter had very strict rules, which didn’t bother me too much until they showed little compassion for women suffering from depression. Their primary focus was to check-in with me every couple of days to find out how my job search was going.

My kids were still very young (ages 2 and 4), and my mind wasn’t organized at that time. I wanted to spend time with my kids. My oldest showed signs of ADHD or some other behavior disorder. I needed help with my depression, but the shelter lacked knowledge and resources for women needing any type of recovery services. On the second day at the shelter, I had a conflict with one of the staff members who was scolding my son harshly. He had difficulties transitioning and being around new places and people, but they didn’t care.

Like many women entering a shelter, I had no money, but I had my own car. Although I had a little Suzuki that needed a lot of work and I lacked the means to get the repairs, the staff treated me poorly because I had a car. Many of the women that stayed there relied on public transportation. Gas for my car and passes for a bus both required money. The money required a job. To get a job, you need somebody to watch your children. Social Services programs and daycare for women entering or reentering the workforce will give you a voucher for childcare…once you have secured a job.

Living far from my own family and friends- and lacking mobility and social support, it was difficult to get help with brief interludes of childcare to apply for jobs. Eventually, I obtained a job and apartment, though car repairs proved to be devastating to our livelihood for many years!

Bye, Felicia!

We were kicked out of the shelter after a 2-week stay simply because my husband’s process server knew the location of the shelter and came knocking on their door. The process server- the man paid to track me down, block my car at an intersection, and throw the divorce papers at me, was familiar with the staff members, as he had once been an attorney. The location of the shelter was well-known to many people- but the staff insisted that I breached a privacy law and ejected us anyway.

Once my children and I returned home (and until I got my own job and apartment), we lived in the dysfunctional environment a little longer. During this time, a number of things helped me stand on my own, despite my depression and anxiety.

Support Groups

Catholic Charities helped my family immensely when I was living in a domestic violence situation. During their support groups, they offered childcare while mothers had the chance to meet with other women who were experiencing similar situations. Additionally, the groups were led by social workers who not only offered wisdom, they treated the women with dignity and compassion.

Individual Therapy/Counseling

The therapist helped me see my blind spots with regard to the toxic people and behaviors in my life. They also can recommend you to psychiatrists and psychologists if you need to take medication. Sometimes it seemed a little awkward talking to a stranger, but they can offer much-needed guidance, especially if you’re lacking in this area.

Reading/Insight/Learning

A trip to the library often reaps many interesting discoveries. Kids can play with other kids quietly, and you can pick up your books and read a little while your kids are being entertained by storytellers, playtime friends, or colorful puppets and toys. I used to grab a calendar of events and circle the dates when my kids could be entertained for free by the library staff.

Solitude

Take any and every chance you get to enjoy the silence. When babies are young, they often have a predictable napping schedule. I used this time to read about depression, boundary issues (Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend), parenting, and money management. I also tried to pursue creative interests, such as drawing and painting, after my kids went to bed for the night, or before they woke up in the morning. I wasn’t always able to stick to this routine, especially when there were chaos and dysfunction in the home, but I tried to draw and paint with my kids too, and get them interested in art.

Quality Time With Children

Even a simple trip to McDonald’s with a play area can be quite enjoyable for young children! When you have little time or money (or emotional resources), you have to simplify. We visited local parks, the library, kid-friendly restaurants. A few grocery stores offer childcare while you shop- my kids thought it was a treat to go in the “Eagle’s Nest” at Giant Eagle while I shopped for groceries.

Things have evolved significantly since my kids were toddlers. There are probably new and better ways in which to find support for depression, domestic violence, and other issues. Which leads me to one other place that helped me.

Listen To Inspirational Audiobooks

My local library was a treasure trove of learning resources. Check out some audiobooks on self-help, parenting, marriage and family relationships, and much more!

Find A Good Church

And by good, I mean a church that is attuned to the needs of their community. Luckily, our church had many support groups and classes- for Christians and non-Christians alike. DivorceCare offered kitschy videos about life after divorce, but during the times when the facilitator paused the DVD, we had lively discussions and developed strong friendships with others among the class.

 

Understanding Moods at Various Life Stages

A lady with long, dark hair stands outside on a cloudy day.

“I don’t wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work.” -Pearl S. Buck

The complexities of the mind never cease to fascinate me! With so many factors to be considered by the medical community, it’s no wonder the DSM-IV lists over 297 disorders!

I’m no doctor or therapist, but simply a person with an intense curiosity about mental health issues. As I look back on my own mental health history, I’ve noticed many changes. Parallel to my mental health history, I must consider my environment at each stage. Was I surrounded by supportive people?

No- in the most difficult times in my life, I was either isolated or surrounded by negativity. I use the term “negativity” loosely, mostly because in many instances, I lived in a dysfunctional environment. In the case of my teenage years, I lived with an alcoholic mother from whom I sought approval. Every time I skipped a meal, it was to win her approval. It was also an erroneous effort to remain fragile and adolescent.

Postpartum Depression

After I had my children, I experienced postpartum depression. Being a new parent is hard enough, let alone being a new mother with no happiness emanating. My depression made me feel unworthy. I didn’t measure up to what I felt a new mother should look like or feel like. The mothers I observed were smiling, singing to their kids, and they had energy. I often felt catatonic but through prayer, I was able to push through the sadness. I tried to get enough rest and get my kids out of the house- even when it meant I had to face what felt like a harsh world.

Reflecting On The (Painful) Past

My first-born had colic and cried frequently for the first few weeks. Although I read books and scoured the internet for information, I couldn’t escape feeling at fault. Babies with colic love white-noise, music and motion. They also like a change of scenery, so car and stroller rides were key to help ease my son’s symptoms.

Walking helped me and my kids get away and connect with each other, away from the toxicity of alcoholism and unsupportive people. I remember getting a double-sided stroller for my kids- right before I knew the time was nearing for us to move on from our home. In 2007, during our stay at the women’s shelter, we used it quite often when the staff arrived at 8:00 A.M each morning.

Children playing outside in the Fall season.

My children and I lived in utter chaos for many years as a result of my husband’s drinking and verbal abuse. At this juncture in my life- with very little emotional resources (or resources of any kind), I couldn’t overcome my depression and anxiety issues, become the kind of parent I desired to be in a marriage riddled with so much strife.

My mind couldn’t take anymore. I wasn’t getting enough rest, and as a result, I wasn’t always attentive to my children’s needs. Fast-forward ahead, divorce, new job, and relocation. It’s hard to believe how much has changed in life, and with my health.

Looking back, I was very withdrawn, anxious, and depressed for 15 years. Then I suffered from postpartum depression and recovered. I went to the doctor and tried Lexapro, then switched to Prozac. I took it sporadically because I felt fine sometimes. I quit taking it when I started to experience electrical surges in my brain. Sometimes I felt like it was too much medicine, even though it was the lowest dose and I usually broke it in half!

In 2017 I was told by a psychiatrist that I was “a little bipolar.” My speech was sped up when I spoke to her, but I honestly didn’t feel I fit into all the typical patterns of a person afflicted with bipolar disorder. She prescribed Lamictal, which I never took.

When Joy And Sadness Are Natural Reactions

At this point, I’m betting that I need to go get an MRI to see if I have something else wrong with me. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with joy and laughter. Then there was that time at church a few years ago that I couldn’t stop crying at the Mother’s Day service.

Maybe the crying has to do with actual grief of the loss of relationship with my mother, or that motherhood itself has many strong memories- memories of my personal failures attributed to my depressed mood- the times that I isolated my family from what I perceived as a harsh world.

Over the years, my moods have seemed to improve, with a few exceptions (when exposed to conflict, harsh conditions, and disrespectful attitudes). I am not subject to the empty, hopeless feelings of my twenties. The anxiety- GAD and agoraphobia, that I was plagued by in my thirties has diminished significantly. Consequently, I am no longer under the influence of certain family ties.

Sometimes I feel that I have been delivered from the depths of depression and anxiety. I often prayed to have any other affliction except those dueling monsters of invisible mayhem! Maybe all the years of taking SSRI’s have chemically altered my brain. But I took the medicine sporadically- if at all. I relied more on prayer than human wisdom during those years, so I am a little biased to feel it wasn’t pills that helped me.

I rarely have bizarre nightmares. I feel happy or at least, content, most of the time. Sometimes I get bursts of mania and creative energy. Seldom, I get depressed and can’t find the desire to write or draw.

With my moods taking shape in different ways, I’m becoming more curious about the human mind. As I get a little older, I certainly cling to the hope that I never lose my mind.

 

The Importance of Following-up After a Diagnosis

A natural-looking woman rests her face in her hands while smiling.

I had hoped for clarity when I requested my paperwork from the psychiatrist’s office. Instead, I am more confused. All day today I have experienced “mixed episodes” with my moods. Mixed moods, ranging from happiness and mischievous to sadness and despair, to obsessional thoughts of the darkness in the world. Now I am obsessed with records and details again. It has only been a week or so since the clinic mailed me my paperwork- I haven’t had time to ruminate until now.

When I was a kid, I recall my mom commenting on how sensitive I was, and now I read the doctor’s notes and find he made this same observation. It’s not all the time that I feel sensitive. Sometimes I can feel quite apathetic, or envious and bitter. The clinic offered me the paperwork from both doctor’s that I met to discuss my mental health issues.

The first doctor (the one that observed that I was sensitive) gave me a primary diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder, NOS (Not Otherwise Specified).

The second doctor noted on my mental status “Excessive elaboration on insignificant issues.”

She observed my speech to be “circumstantial.”

My thoughts were logical, my grooming and eye contact were average. My insight was deemed to be “fair.”

Affect (Mood): Constricted/Blunted. I believe that means a restriction in my display of emotions, but not so much that my expression of emotions would be considered “flat.”

The second doctor’s primary diagnosis: Persistent Mood (affective) Disorder, Unspecified. She had told me that I was a “little bipolar.”

I found some information on this disorder at http://www.gpnotebook.co.uk

Persistent affective disorders are a lifetime diagnosis in patients with recurrent mild symptoms. The main persistent affective disorders are:

  • cyclothymia: (resembles a mild form of the bipolar affective disorder, with cycling between hypomania and mild depression).
  • dysthymia: (chronic low-grade depression, the symptomatology does not meet the full criteria for major depression and is not the consequence of a partially resolved major depression).

There is no resolution of the information contained in this paperwork. My mood disorder does not fit neatly into any specified category. It was noted that I was a sensitive person. It was also indicated that the previous medications caused me much distress. Yet, I was prescribed Lamictal for management of my moods. Lamictal is used to treat neuro-patients. My sensitivity and a low threshold for any nuances of chemical restructuring and balancing hinder me from taking medications.

Oppression

Sorrow and pity often accompany my thoughts when I do not have the answers. It seems I lack answers and help of “natural” man and anything temporal- I have a rudimentary existence, no true social support system (i.e., family and friends) in place for myself or kids. We have, for the most part, only each other. This may be a bit suspicious or presumptuous of me to conclude, but when people are poor, they are less inclined to have very many friends. My obvious barrier to having strong relationships is my mood disorder. When you are dealing with a myriad of emotions, it makes it difficult for others to accept you. Also, it makes it hard for you to sustain the energy and desire to handle some people.

Despair and Obsessive Thoughts

Focus on others- I think my family would be fine without me. In fact, maybe they would benefit more without me, but then I realize that being a parent means you do not back out, even if your kids would be better off without you! It means that you need to quit devaluing yourself. When I am mulling over such thoughts of hopelessness, I try to pinpoint where such negative thoughts originated in my thought pattern.

Guilt

As a parent, you feel sometimes that your kids expect too much. Too much money, too much energy. When these expectations are not met, some of us less-hearty moms feel guilty. Mothers with less emotional reserves have less to give at times. I was easily manipulated by my own guilt and insecurities. More often than I’d like to admit, I purchased things on my credit card just to “feel” better. Although the amount I spent wasn’t astronomical, it most certainly wasn’t a wise choice.

Not Otherwise Specified

The doctor said my speech was circumstantial. I discovered that means that the individual elaborates on insignificant or unrelated issues, but always returns to the primary issue.

Circumstantiality (also circumstantial thinking, or circumstantial speech) – An inability to answer a question without giving excessive, unnecessary detail.[9] This differs from tangential thinking, in that the person does eventually return to the original point. Wiki

My primary issue with this subject is “Not Otherwise Specified”. Knowing whether or not I have a particular anxiety disorder or mood disorder is a SIGNIFICANT detail towards my healing. I only wish they could have elaborated on the details. In fact, the psychiatrist who authorized the record’s release advised me to talk to her about the diagnosis. I haven’t given proper attention to prioritizing follow-up visits, mostly because I don’t want to be prescribed medication again, or I will be judged- by others and even myself.

What You Should Know About Bipolar Mania

Know The Difference Between Hypomania and Mania

The symptoms of hypomania and mania are very similar. You may feel more social, excited, confident and creative. However, the two conditions differ in severity and length.

Hypomania is a milder form of mania and lasts a shorter period of time- days, instead of weeks. Mania is a condition that is more severe and lasts longer than hypomania- generally, mania lasts a week or more.

Often, those who experience hypomania enjoy the bursts of energy and creativity. On the other hand, individuals who experience mania may feel quite uncomfortable with their symptoms. A person experiencing hypomania may simply be more friendly and active. The sudden burst of energy often leads them to take on many projects at once, or accept more risks and responsibilities.

Somebody experiencing mania will also feel excited, but it is much more difficult to manage the sudden bursts of energy. Instead of simply feeling more creative, the manic individual has difficulty harnessing their energy. Their words pour out quickly and frequently, thus making it difficult to engage with others and allow them to interject. Accompanying that desire to talk frequently and quickly, they feel overly confident, grandiose- as though others don’t have the capacity to understand their special abilities and talents.

The person experiencing hypomania feels that they can perform tasks more efficiently and better than normal. They feel happy, have boundless energy and creativity, and seem to be able to manage their energy, racing thoughts, and ideas.

When somebody is experiencing mania, however, it is difficult for them to organize and direct their energy.

Key components of mania may include:

  • Jumbled, unorganized and racing thoughts.
  • Inability to concentrate on tasks and/or easily distracted.
  • Lack of insight, which hinders the ability to mania as problematic.
  • Delusions and paranoia
  • Seeing, hearing, or feeling things others can’t observe (psychosis).

Managing Hypomania and Mania

Boundless energy, feeling more attractive and social- people often enjoy hypomania and mania and seem no harm. Their distorted beliefs about hypomania and mania may lead to an incorrect diagnosis, or they fail to follow-up on their treatment.

The first step should be to get a physical to rule out other potential causes. If you are taking any medications, your doctor needs to assess if these medications are the cause of your symptoms, or if any medications or other health issues are affecting your treatment.

Many patients are advised by their doctors to take antipsychotics or mood stabilizers. If you are taking medications, it is essential that you take the medicine as prescribed and follow-up as needed with your doctor.

In combination with taking medications, or instead of taking medications, many people are advised to participate in therapies that involve talking.

Talk Therapy includes:

  • Family-Focused Therapy, which involves working with members of your family to identify certain behaviors and traits that need attention. Problem-solving methods are employed as part of therapy.
  • Interpersonal Therapy examines your relations and how to improve and interact more effectively.
  • Psychoeducation is a type of intervention that helps people learn to cope, either on their own or as part of a group.
  • Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)- Therapy that focuses on living in the present and becoming more attentive.
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)- A type of therapy program that is practical and short-term, that helps people identify and change behaviors associated with hypomania and mania.

How To Help Yourself

Learn to identify triggers:

  • Avoid excessive amounts of caffeine and alcohol.
  • Avoid skipping meals.
  • Not allowing yourself downtime to enjoy rest, pursue recreational activities, or enjoy time with family, friends or solitude.

Make a plan to manage hypomania/mania episodes.

A management plan may address your triggers. An example of a management plan may include:

  • Keeping track of your moods. Record the day, time and other factors important to the event.
  • Avoiding situations, places, and people that may put you at risk to engage in dangerous behaviors (such as taking drugs, spending too much money, etc.)
  • You may opt to avoid places that are over-stimulating, or too chaotic, busy or crowded.

Apply daily routines to help manage episodes of hypomania and mania.

  • Get plenty of sleep and try to go to bed at the same time each night.
  • Practice proper nutrition and eat regular meals. Avoid skipping meals.
  • Keep balanced! Avoid taking on too many responsibilities. Seek relaxing activities to counteract the stimulating/stress-inducing activities. Relaxing activities include meditating, journaling, reading, working on puzzles, etc.

Support System As Part Of Treatment

Many people who suffer from mood disorders lack quality relationships with family or friends. Take steps to correct this if possible! Many family members or friends don’t have specific knowledge about hypomania and mania, and they may reflect this lack of knowledge in the way they deal with their loved ones!

Clearly, but kindly, express your frustrations with them. Educate them on your symptoms so they don’t falsely attribute every “good” day to hypomania/mania. Tell them how much you appreciate their efforts to make sure you are getting enough sleep, nutrition, etc.

Family and friends can play an important role in treatment. They may be able to let you see your blind spots (this theory can be applied to all people- not just individuals with mood disorders).

Conversely, if you lack quality friendships or family relationships, you may prefer to find a group that deals specifically with mood disorders. Such groups can be found locally, but more often, people with mood disorders enjoy connecting with others online- for example, online forums, or online therapy (if covered by insurance).

How OCD Nearly Destroyed My Creativity

One of the things that helped soothe my mind as a child was art. I had a special affinity for drawing people. Teachers noticed my skills and would shine the spotlight on my artwork sometimes. I became known as a good artist by my classmates. I always believed I would choose a career path that utilized my artistic talents. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I started to become disenchanted with the concept of art. In school, art was never very disciplined.

Once I took art classes at college, it was very different. I hated using charcoal pencils, pastels, and paints. My artwork no longer represented my creativity, but rather, it reflected “mental clutter” and oppressive memories. I started purging my pencil and charcoal sketches that I had devoted so much time and energy. I did not want these remnants of my past, for whatever reasons.

In my early thirties, I began favoring a more minimalistic home environment, much to my family’s dismay. I was unable to have any kind of clutter. This meant I could not pursue my art anymore, though I tried to keep my interest in art alive by doing art with my kids. I would buy art supplies, make arts and crafts, then throw the supplies and designs away. It also meant that my husband and I would have arguments over what he wanted to save and what I wanted to discard or donate. He wanted the basement to remain undisturbed. He did, in fact, want to hoard too many things, but the truth is told, he had a point. My thoughts were impeding on the liberties of others in my home.

OCD or A Bipolar Trying To Control External Stimuli?

It’s odd that I started to favor a minimalistic theme in my life. I loved to see art, I loved to be surrounded by cozy objects in other people’s homes- just not my own. My mind became cluttered with stimuli if I allowed any empty space in my house. My kids said our house looked like we just moved in. I tend to agree with them! The mission to maintain a clutter-free house consumed me- OCD Decluttering! Absolute madness, yet disregarded by many that do not see the damage caused by this disorder.

Assigning Values To OCD Stress & Triggers

I don’t know what has caused my OCD symptoms to lessen. Perhaps the passage of time, or maybe I have become more mindful of the destructive ways of OCD. When I have become overwhelmed, I have purged “things”…clothes, paper, the pantry, anything I could get my hands on! I try to minimize things that trigger OCD. For instance, I try to avoid doing too many things I dislike in one day. I won’t grocery shop and drive excessively on the same day if I can help it. Maybe somebody should try to assign numbers to indicate varying degrees of stress for daily activities. I know there are such systems for monumental stressful life events (such as jail, divorce, job loss, etc.). For people suffering from anxiety or OCD, this would be ideal.

Reconciling OCD, Rekindling My Creativity

My OCD symptoms have diminished in the last few years… I haven’t thought too much lately how far I have come with my anxiety and OCD because I have been distracted by other issues. Visiting an art museum has helped me to become inspired by art once again.

In my previous post, I wrote about being happy when I am out in nature. Nature is beauty in its simplest form, no clutter or embellishments. Art is the creation of man (and woman). It is not necessarily simple, yet I find it beautiful and edifying. I have become less focused on intrusive, unimportant worries about clutter, and more concerned about what is involved in the making of the things that are in my surroundings. Processes, engagement, activity: things that are relational help make the visual beauty in a way that has depth. This is beyond what was once shallow. Everything that is material or visual is not superficial to me any longer.

Regaining Control Over Anxiety at Work

Another anxiety attack manifested yesterday. The sudden bout of nervousness and agitation were precipitated by a few triggers.

  • My workspace was invaded and altered abruptly.
  • Physical discomfort and exhaustion from hormonal changes.
  • Working in an unorganized and moderately hazardous workspace.
  • Feeling overwhelmed with workload and expectations.
  • Embarrassment and feeling as though there was no “escape” from the chaos!

I would feel tears streaming down my face as I plotted what I could say to my supervisor to escape the madness I was struggling to contain. He was pushing me and my coworker to do more work, to work in between the seconds we waited for parts to assemble at my production job.

At first, I adapted my workspace to accommodate the changes implemented. After several minutes, I felt relaxed and I thought I was working at a moderate pace. My supervisor emerged and started piling partially-assembled bins on my table (which cluttered the space that I diligently maintained). I thought if I quit talking to my coworker working next to me I could work faster, but after working 7 days in a row, and battling PMDD (PMS on steroids), I realized despite my intentions and efforts, I couldn’t do the task today. I usually don’t assess myself so clearly and easily, but I’m well-acquainted with anxiety and all the masks she wears- the mask of OCD, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, PTSD…even bulimia, and anorexia!

How I Gained Some Control

My choices were limited in the frantic environment in which I was thrust. The supervisor was hounding me to do more than I was capable of doing. PMS was wreaking so much havoc on my body that I had to sleep with a heating pad on my stomach for the past two days, and I used a pillow to elevate my sore feet at night. My mood seemed pleasant, mostly, until Sunday at work. I haven’t felt this agitated at work for a few months. At least, not so agitated that I wanted to leave for the day.

So I devised a way to tell my supervisor that I couldn’t handle working this day. After many interpretations of how I would elicit some shred of sympathy, I opted to find one of my supervisor’s subordinates. She nodded as I replayed the events in my work area and as I told her about my PMDD and anxiety symptoms. Within minutes she was able to get me moved to an area where I could work alone and in an orderly environment.

After I was situated in at my new station, I put in my earbuds and listened to some motivating music to get me thinking about how I would enjoy the day once I got out of work!

Here’s What Helped!

  • Change of environment.
  • Asking for help/support.
  • Being assertive.
  • Listening to music.
  • Deep breathing.
  • Working in a clutter-free area.
  • Working alone.
  • Finding a rhythm- working by the timer set on my new machine, as opposed to not having any timer/or relying on the timing and rhythms of my coworkers.

Why I Love My Bipolar Mania!

Mania Can Feel Like Euphoria At Times

Although experiencing “flight of ideas” in of itself is not a mental disorder, it is a symptom of those with bipolar disorder. All that mania and energy needs to be channeled somehow- it is best used in creative endeavors. When I experience the highs of mania, I become the idea person– the person who conjures up dozens (or more) ideas, concepts, processes, etc., only to never really follow through any of them. By the time the idea(s) is(are) manifested and it is time to develop the ideas, my mind is off somewhere else…perhaps I am so down again that I can barely find any desire to become “goal-directed”. This is not a particularly desirable quality for my vocation.

As a result of the flaws of my manic episodes, I can use my moments of mania to augment my work life, but I can’t allow myself time to pursue anything loftier than my menial job. As a middle-aged worker, I am able to look back upon my vocational lifespan and know that I don’t consistently have all the qualities necessary to get the sweet, 9-5 job in an ad agency. Those people, as far as I can see, have a different kind of attitude when it comes to creativity. 

In the arrogance of my youth (or the ignorance of my youth), I figure I would benefit from going to college. I never obtained even a two-year degree in any one course of study. I was neither inspired or encouraged as a young person- I had a desire to go to school, but I lacked the tenacity to finish the one class that was standing in the way of my moving on in college.

Drawing for me is a release- I am able to focus and generate some clarity through these lines and shapes. Through these seemingly benign and naive patterns, I can somehow see the patterns of my life, even if they are mere fragments of a shattered lens.

So, I never completed my Marketing & Sales certificate- or the Graphic Design degree in which I transferred. The Sociology degree I desired to obtain was just too impractical and unlikely. It doesn’t mean I’ve given up on education or enrichment. I simply had to change the way I sought these things.

Mania- it can make me feel more creative. Bipolar disorder isn’t as simple as many are led to believe. It’s can be difficult to focus on complex tasks without the help of notebooks, post-its, and my trusted computer. These tools serve as ways to process many simultaneous thoughts and ideas.

When it comes to employment, the volatile and changing nature of the bipolar disorder can limit one’s career choices and success, no matter how much skill or talent one possesses.

Many people who struggle with mental health issues (like myself), may find menial jobs comforting- for they are predictable and help us to feel anchored in some regards. I find that my mind has time to wander, instead of being consumed by mental-overload.

I try to make the most out of an otherwise undesired and limiting aspect of my life and choices. I still have dreams and creativity.

 

When I Realized I Was Addicted to Bipolar Mania

The Calm Before The Storm

When I am feeling “level”, that is, “cool-headed”, or balanced and mellow, I am neither depressed nor elevated and manic. I sometimes wonder when I will become manic or depressed, which will come first. I might have taken good care of my health during these times of feeling balanced. I may have felt in control of my environment and circumstances. It sometimes is a chance that everything is balanced in my life- I might not have been actively involved in shaping my level mood. I sometimes miss the rush from feeling manic.

Sometimes this surge in energy helped me through a tough day at work, or I was particularly motivated to take my family on outings…which is usually a seldom occurrence because I am introverted and do not like to be out with at places where there are crowds of people. I get elated when I see an empty theater or restaurant- makes me feel safe and cozy!

Addicted To Mania?

I surmised that maybe I am addicted to my manic moods. When I say “addicted” I mean that I am aware of the fact that my moods get elevated, as well as depressed. I am aware of this fact, yet I ride the proverbial wave of mania each episode, savoring those elusive times of feeling “on top of the world.” I do nothing to manage my mania or depression before the moods overwhelm me. When I am exposed to environments, situations, behaviors or people that may influence my moods, I do not mindfully assess my triggers. Sometimes, I think certain things are good because they contribute to making me feel happy…these things can also overstimulate my mind, sending it into chaotic bliss, as well as a chaotic abyss.

In my chaotic bliss (mania), I become more extroverted and talkative. I also talk louder and am prone to using an edgier tone (I curse more). It was more intense when I abused alcohol in my youth. People that have mental health issues need to take special care of their minds and be more diligent to steer clear of drugs or alcohol, as these things tend to worsen symptoms of mania and depression.

Medications Diminish Desired Mania

I have tried several variants of antidepressants from the SSRI classification. Prozac, Paxil, Effexor, Zoloft, Lexapro, Celexa, all to no avail (The Journey Begins). I never wanted to be on medications forever and it seemed that the pharmaceutical industry wants us to use the medications indefinitely. Doctors would tell me, “You have to give it time for them to work effectively”. A few years ago, I tried using medications one more time. This time, I had very bizarre nightmares– morbid in theme, disturbing in context.

I felt I was being disobedient to God by continuing the drug. Also, I did not feel happy- ever! Just one, single, solemn and dull, level mood. I could not even bring myself to crack a smile because my face felt like a somber mask. A mask of plastic- I felt like I had a lobotomy! My thoughts started to become disordered too. I quit the medication cold-turkey and suffered painful withdrawals for a few days. I was agitated and mean and couldn’t wait to overcome the medication!

Self-Awareness To Tame The Beast

In my past, I have been with depression and anxiety disorders. I have always suspected that I may have bipolar disorder (my mother and sister can attest to my moods as well). I feel like there are three energy forces within me- balanced and cool, dark and depressed, and excited/manic. I am not sure if these “forces’ are all attributed to my moods or are components of my personality.

I enjoy my level moods, although they are far and few in between. I loathe my depressed moods and wonder why I am plagued by them periodically. When I haven’t had a manic episode in a few days or weeks, I start thinking about how I can induce happiness in some other way. I do not drink or take drugs. I do listen to music- very manic music. Sometimes I shut off the music and enjoy the clarity that comes through silence. I am learning to recognize music as a mood trigger and limit the time I am being influenced by exciting music, but oftentimes, I want to be the person experiencing the excitement. Excitement- yes, I can manage excitement. Mania, it is my addiction to an unhealthy level of excitement, or so I am beginning to discover.

When Painful Childhood Memories Leave a Lasting Impression

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by a distant relative on a genealogy website. She motivated me to obtain and scan old family photos to share on the site. Of course, I was delighted to find somebody that shared an interest in our family’s roots. My dad agreed to let me have his family photos and records.

In the past week after all my work of scanning photos, I felt unsettled. There are brokenness and trauma in my family. My grandfather suffered a blow to the head and died several years after he sustained injuries to his brain. He had two failed marriages and some of his children moved out of state. Whatever his problems were with his wives and children, to me he was my beloved grandfather. To my family, we were all hurt deeply by his death and suffering.

Our family moved into the house my grandfather used to live and my parents began fighting began when I was 10 years of age. I was beginning to put on weight prior to these changes in the home. I can remember being a little on the chubby side back when I was in kindergarten. My mom often ridiculed me and called me, “Tubby”, “Tub-of-Lard,” “Baby Huey” and a number of other variations. Sometimes if I was quick enough, I could see her making fun of my lazy eye, or encouraging other family members to do so. If others tried to console me, she would say that I was trying to be “babied.” After a while, hugs and attention from people embarrassed me. I kept my emotions stuffed and I got stuffed in my appearance! The only time I showed weakness was when I stayed at my grandmother’s house and my mom wasn’t lurking nearby to monitor conversations.

So when I see a few photos of myself from age 5 until age 11, I can clearly see that my problems got bigger at the time of upheaval in our family. When I was 10, I stayed outside every chance I could so I could be with the neighborhood kids, playing baseball, or riding bikes. My stomach had expanded so much that I couldn’t just buy regular clothes. I was relegated to wear “husky” pants (now called “plus” for girls), and they were unattractive. I didn’t want to wear dresses or try to look pretty anymore. This type of behavior went on until I was 14 years old and began starving myself for a few years.

The odd thing was that my mom seemed nicer to me when I lost weight, but she found out I was not eating. In order to avoid fighting, I ate the bare minimum amount of food in her presence. At school and everywhere else, I ate almost nothing and loved to hear my stomach grumble. A grumbling stomach equated with acceptance by others, and it meant that I was losing weight.

Time has a way of helping you change your course, but some pain remains. Therapy probably helps many people, but I just lack the time and commitment to seeing a therapist regularly.

What’s the Harm in Soft Addictions?

A woman takes a drag of her cigarette.

As much as I would like to fool myself and claim to have no true connections to technology, I am guilty of spending countless hours of wasted time on the internet and on my phone. Every few hours- at the minimum, I must “check in” to my email, research something on Google, or read the juiciest Hollywood gossip. In a way, this habit reminds of when I was a smoker. Every 1 ½ to 3 hours, I submitted myself to just one more drag off a cheap Dorel cigarette. With great anticipation, I called on my “posse” of smoking friends and co-workers to join me outside for a break. It was soothing as we smoked and talked. Then, within a few moments, guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to get a grip on my habit. Maybe if I just reduced the number of cigarettes I smoked, I could fool myself, have a little pleasure without becoming totally immersed in nicotine addiction. This never worked for me. After several failed attempts, I finally quit for my family.

Now I have the same guilt about what I believe is technology addiction. I’m addicted to the internet, my email, and my smartphone. If I’m out with my family, I have got to document for the world to see at some point, so I use my phone to capture the moment. Something in my mind felt awkward about this new socially-acceptable behavior. When did “having fun” become such a novelty? Granted, I only have one social media account for which I use to keep up with my children’s online presence. It has been a year since I posted a photo.

I became disenamoured with Facebook a few years ago when I started seeing a predictable pattern in the posts of my friends. Sure, it seemed nice to reconnect with people I haven’t seen in over twenty years, and it was entertaining to see their photos, read their quips, and “like” their strongly-worded opinions. It felt like high school again, in the virtual world. The “popular” kids at one table, the misfits somewhere else, and the people that didn’t really subscribe to any particular subset or clique. Regardless of my feelings, it seemed easy for me to become addicted to Facebook. After a few years, I consciously chose to ignore the “fear of missing out” syndrome and I finally deactivated and deleted my Facebook data.

When I needed help in conquering past issues, I prayed. I failed several times even as I was in the midst of fighting my issues. Often, it was years before I saw anything positive as a result of fighting a battle for my mind. I have battled emotional eating, caffeine addiction, smoking, and drinking. Of those habits, I have overcome two. The caffeine use has increased, possibly to replace the need to smoke, drink or eat. A few years ago, I dropped nearly twenty pounds, only to pack it on again. Somehow I can’t discipline myself to drink more water, which would help curb my appetite.

Quite possibly, I can’t connect to the real world, as a result of technology, or perhaps, because I can’t connect to the real world, I turn to my laptop and phone.

How Bipolar Can Trigger Other Disorders

A woman sits on top of a on a white sedan.

Obsessive behavior is one intrinsic element of mania/hypomania in bipolar disorder. The brain is “rewarded” somehow by this behavior, just as an addict’s brain is dysfunctionally rewarded by another hit. Part of recovery is learning how to replace the dysfunctional behavior with an acceptable behavior/reward. Along the way, when I have not been mindful of either my disorder (which has vast complexities) or the nuances of the new “reward”.

All of the various components of this disorder feel untamed during the elevated periods (mania/hypomania). As a creator (all of humanity can identify with the desire to create to some extent), I love the rush I experience from the flight of ideas bipolar disorder bestows upon me!

Obsessive thoughts about clutter do not emerge from a physical craving, but rather a psychological craving. Becoming mindful of the psychological craving that occurs with my obsessive thoughts have helped me to remedy my mindless thought patterns in regards to decluttering. Not all decluttering is “mindless”, however. If I am disturbed by my actions, and I keep re-purchasing the items I have discarded, decluttering in this manner is disordered.

The periods of my “lows”- the depression stage of bipolar disorder- feel like, for lack of a better word, a funeral. I feel like life is dwindling. The melancholy that always follows or precedes my bipolar disorder ushers in feelings of despair, hopelessness. I fail to plan at this point when I am not able to concentrate on the future because I effectively see the future. The moods are always fluctuating. The best I can sometimes hope for is the knowledge that the mania will manifest, and I will be happy once again.

The obsessive behaviors I have experienced along the way include: spending countless hours on the internet piecing together my heritage. In retrospect, this perplexes me since I am isolated from most of my extended family. I have become engulfed in various ideas: the idea of changing careers when I do not have the means or aptitude to pursue continuing my education. I spend money on things that I end up throwing away. For instance, I decide I will start doing handiwork in my house, so I purchase a few tools or accessories. A month later, I become discouraged and the thought of a project or unfinished idea occupying my mental space is unsettling, so I donate or discard the items.

I may decide occasional doodling is not enough, I need to start a business or design a shirt. Soon I learn that there is much more involved at such notions and I abandon my idea, at least for a brief time. Something along the way triggers the desire to create, and in a healthy scenario, I am able to pick up a drawing pad and simply relax, nothing more. Writing has mostly satisfied my desire to express myself without having to spend money on a creative pursuit (which oftentimes leads me to purge items). I find myself “purging” my stories and poems, then regretting my decision to discard.

I was once obsessed with finding a poem I wrote several years ago. It was submitted to a poetry website, circa 1999, and was supposedly published in a poetry book. I have gone to great lengths to contact the Library of Congress and any publisher affiliated with the defunct website. I am embarrassed at the amount of time I dedicated to that vain pursuit of locating the book.

Although I am satisfied with using writing as a coping mechanism, I am unhappy with the times I demonstrate mindless behavior. My spiritual side needs to be nurtured and this is the most integral part of anybody’s journey.

 

Spiritual Healing for Depression

Disconnect And Depression

The solitude and a spiritual connection are the most important steps to understanding and conquering depression. Some of the circumstances can’t be changed, but a renewal in our minds is necessary to overcome depression.

Have You Ever Wanted To Cry But Don’t Know Why?

Every weekend I welcome the notion of not having to attend to work. Although work can be very satisfying, it often brings about many stressful elements. Some jobs, such as industrial or manufacturing environments are intrinsically more susceptible to stressors; high production quotas, working in extreme heat, and louder noise levels, are typical in many factories and warehouses. Tension among employees and low morale create negative feelings. Many workers return home not feeling fulfilled, but rather, overwhelmed or undervalued.

It is during the weekend that I have time to reflect on the occurrences of the previous week. When I find myself feeling depressed, or worse, I feel like crying but I’m unsure where my feelings of depression are rooted, I can’t help but consider the obvious causes. Five out of seven of my days are spent in a flurry of activity, errands and other demands. My busyness may have been masking my depression. Working and having an active life is not necessarily unhealthy. It is unhealthy to use aspects of a busy lifestyle (i.e, being consumed by your workload, using shopping and errands) to distract or soothe our emotions. The effects of busyness and distraction can be similar to how an addict uses drugs to escape from reality or negative emotions.

Isolation

When we feel unsupported at our jobs, we may turn to our family and friends for guidance and encouragement. However, we may not always have a strong network of social support (see The 7 Elements of Wellness). In some instances, our social mobility may be affected by our familial or marital status- that is, if you are divorced or a single parent, you are more likely to experience feelings of isolation. Those living with fewer social ties are 2 to 3 times more likely to become depressed. Having a strong support system of healthy relationships can insulate individuals from feeling overwhelmed when faced with challenging circumstances.

As a divorced or single person, you may feel the world seems to favor couples. After experiencing the break up in the family, you may no longer have access to extended family members. Your family and even your children may blame you for the breakdown in relationships. This is more likely to occur when they are feeling the effects of social isolation, or they may see the world as favoring families that aren’t divorced or headed by a single parent. It is very important to instill a sense of self-worth in your children so that they may be equipped to recognize the reality of divorce- there will be fewer resources, but nevertheless, such realities are conquered by many people each day. By conveying the idea that a strong family is comprised of quality relationships, children can be better equipped to overcome feelings of isolation, in school and at home.

It is especially complicated to meet the emotional needs of your children when your own feelings of isolation are profound. I have accepted the fact that we will be excluded from the benefits of an undisrupted family- in fact, I consider the value of not having to attend to stressful relationships. It is best to spend quality time with my children, and not dwell on what has been lost (although acknowledging grief and loss are healthy elements of healing).

In my quest to understand my feelings of disconnect and depression, my efforts are applied to searching for the emotional aspects of depression; while I realize the many components that contribute to depression, I must give greater attention to those things that which affect me the greatest. For individuals who suffer from bipolar or other mood disorders, emotions play a significant role in one’s well being.

Spiritual Disconnect?

Our social ties are a significant aspect of our overall well being, but what is more important is our spiritual connection. By spending time alone, or engaged in religious or worship activities, we can become more attuned and connected to our purpose in the world.

One of the first things I realize when I have solitude is that I have not renewed my mind. In fact, my process towards renewal may have begun yesterday, when I have had a strong desire to clear out unused things in our home. By being engaged with this process of “clearing out” the, I was letting go of the ideas and concepts attached to these things. Initially, I was displeased that I was, once again, purging things to soothe my anxiety. Solitude has given me the gift of insight to see that I am on the path to renewal- a push many of us subconsciously resist.

The emotional overload we experience in life can cause confusion and agitation. Agitation means the state of anxiety, but it also means “stirring” or “disrupting” something. You may need to be more attentive to your spiritual connection and free yourself from worldly distractions. Excessive worries and fears can hinder our relationship with not only others but also our relationship with God. Our Enemy wants us to live in fear and to be too distracted to pray and give thanks.

When I understand that I am being oppressed by fear and worry, I recall James 4:7, which states “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”– New International Version (NIV).

Unresolved Grief

The loss of a spouse due to divorce isn’t the same as how someone feels when they’ve lost a spouse due to death. Divorce is often sought because of a betrayal, perhaps physical or spiritual, as often is the case when adultery is involved. Sometimes divorce is the result of emotional betrayal or abandonment in favor of alcohol or drugs. The reckless disregard that accompanies adultery, abandonment, or abuse, leaves a profound impression upon the soul. It is difficult to move on if these feelings are suppressed. The marital relationship was created to promote spirituality, health, and happiness. When we lack this sort of relationship, it is easy to fall prey to feelings of low self-worth.

To overcome grief and depression, it is important to ensure the following:

  • Eat vitamin-rich, unprocessed foods when possible. Drink water to cleanse toxins in your body.
  • Enjoy solitude so that you are better equipped to enjoy time with your family.
  • Spend time in nature! Not only does sunshine provide vitamin D that can improve our mood, but being in nature will help you reconnect spiritually.
  • Acknowledge negative feelings through the appropriate outlets. If you don’t have a trusted friend, spend time in prayer. You can also release negative feelings through art, writing, and music as well.

References:

  1. https://www.wakeupcloud.com/overcome-spiritual-depression/
  2. https://www.christianhelpfordepression.org/depression-is-it-a-spirit/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIoP3K28TV3AIVGI3ICh0nJAlKEAMYASAAEgKii_D_BwE
  3. http://www.theworldcounts.com/life/potentials/social-connections-and-happiness

How Simplicity and Mindful Living Can Spark Joy

white surfboard beside white wall white wooden cube bookshelf inside the room

Recently, I watched the Netflix series, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” and I also purchased her book, “Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up.” This book is the companion to Marie’s #1 New York Times best-selling, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.”

The substance and design of her best-selling book, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” appealed to me more than the companion book. Nevertheless, I still value the concepts presented by Marie Kondo, and I will spend time reading everything she espouses. Each chapter is filled with clarity and mindfulness. For instance, tidying experts advise keeping some items in a “grey zone.” This grey zone signifies that you have a degree of uncertainty on the value of the item. Keep it there for 3 months. If after that time, you have no use for it, you may discard it.

Marie tried this method but had little success. The guilt of getting rids of items just because they didn’t make her happy in the allotted time frame, was something she wanted to change. “There are only two choices: keep it or chuck it. And if you’re going to keep it, make sure you take care of it,” responds Kondo.

I believe it’s logical to place things in a “grey zone” (Ms. Kondo refers to this grey zone as a “detention” zone). I never put sentimental items in a grey zone- only things that have utility. I use 3 clear plastic boxes that store under my bed or can fit on top of my closet shelf (and I often shuffle where I place the plastic boxes, depending on if I have been recently sorting the contents).

Items of Sentimental Value (Children’s Things)

  • Box 1- (Flat mementos) school projects and artwork, report cards, and award certificates.
  • Box 2- (Flat, oversized artwork) Flat artwork that is larger than 8.5” x 11” (usually 11” x 17”).
  • Box 3- (Dimensional) Bulky, odd-shaped and dimensional mementos. In this box, I have an odd assortment of hand-made pasta bracelets, origami sculptures, magnets adorned with sequins, and a few baby teeth. I also have newspaper clippings in this box because they don’t go in Box 1.

I struggled with getting rid of some of my children’s projects, especially ones that won awards at the fair. My son was very proud of his 8th-grade lamp project, so that made the cut. My daughter made some figures out of coffee cans that a folk-art vibe. I had painted some of the cans to get her started. The ones I made were discarded because hers hold more value. Mine was simply used to guide her. She was proud of her final creations. I was disappointed in how weird my coffee can sculpture looked! It was not my project anyway, so they lacked value.

When I organize mindfully, there is less guilt.

Although my methods are somewhat different from Marie Kondo’s, I find dignity and clarity in how she organizes.

By contrast,  I have often purged things as a means to an end- that end being an end to my anxiety. Decluttering or purging out of compulsion or anxiety never leaves me refreshed. I enjoy discovering the mindful and meditative ways in which others handle material things.

“The challenge is coming to grips with the fact that, often times, material things have an emotional connection and attachment.”http://www.thrive-mindful.blog

Be healthy. Train yourself how to handle emotional attachments. Detach from unhealthy “things”. Not all outwardly-beautiful things have a need in our homes or lives. Sometimes they are just taking away mental energy that could be used for utilitarian purposes. And other times, they are benign and serve only to be admired by the world.

Assorted wall decor with an organic theme.
Decorative items, although not particularly useful, serve to define the style and set the tone for the things valued by an individual.

What is YOUR personal style? Do you crave utility and function, with a little bit of glamour? Or do you see your living space as something to be used to impress others? Maybe right now, your desires have little control over how your home appears. Whatever style you embrace, whatever you determine sparks joy, just be thoughtful. Give careful thought to the value and placement of the things in your home AND your life.