For about a week straight, I experienced depression. A number of things contributed to the manifestation of my depressed state. I will talk about the contributing factors before moving on to ruminating over my feelings and thoughts about depression.
Change in Seasons and The “Good” Life
For me, spring and summer don’t bring feelings of exhilaration. Why? They are both beautiful seasons. When I was a kid, I loved the freedom of summertime, playing with friends, walking around doing nothing. As an adult, I am the person responsible for everybody’s happiness. I must orchestrate car rides (with none other than myself), worry about safety issues, hand over money, feed everybody- stuff most women think about regularly. But, I have the side of me that wants to be the best provider for the family, keep up on the yard work, arrange car repairs, and home repairs. This is stuff both men and women must tend to in their lives. The problem is the I am not fluently either of those stereotypical roles, yet I feel compelled to excel at both roles, or I am plagued by guilt and envy.
I am embarrassed to say that I am often envious of my neighbors. The strange thing is, I am jealous that the dad has so much time and energy to spend playing with his son outside. I often don’t feel like even going outside, let alone playing outside! And I have considered that the neighbors are a couple, who are about 10 years younger than I and have only one child to chase.
The dad works to make home improvements every summer, while I keep putting off repairs (I am trying to pay off my current debt). I did paint the front steps last year and paid $500 for a household issue recently. It’s wrong to be envious of my neighbor’s lives. I don’t personally acquaint myself with them, and I have no right to make assumptions. Furthermore, I’m certain they have their own struggles, even if they differ from mine. When you observe others superficially, it’s easy to see only the surface issues. I want to give my family more, but I can’t overextend myself. I believe I have accepted my limitations, but I haven’t accepted all the limitations to my budget, my time and other resources. As soon as I learn to accept all these components, maybe I will turn away from envying what others have.
The Logistics of Family Well-Being
In the summer, I worry about my kids at home. My daughter attends a daytime summer camp for teens a few days each week. She seems to enjoy it, but I often worry about if she is eating right and getting along with others. As for my son, he is getting older and will have a job this summer. At least I hope he gets a job in town so he doesn’t have to come work with me in the humidity and harshness of the manufacturing industry.
We don’t have the means to go on vacations, and with the pressures of social media and peers, my kids feel somewhat unusual in comparison to other kids.
Expectations of Others
My ex-husband lacks respect and remorse when he lets down my kids. In our marriage, I often felt mismatched, not only emotionally, but intellectually, with him. In many ways, he had the mentality and maturity of an adolescent boy. In dealing with his kids, he exudes this same immaturity- for example, my daughter inquired about his sudden absence this past weekend. She poured out her heart, only to receive a simple, “k” in a text message.
I feel I’ve let my son down because he always makes snarky comments about my work shirts. It is as though he is ashamed that I have a blue-collar job. Instead of seeing things how I see them- as a strong woman who continues to battle depression and anxiety while taking on the responsibilities of life (keeping a home, paying bills, providing food and clothes for all), he believes his dad had the most potential, but assuredly failed the hardest. My ex’s family probably white-washed many ideas about their son towards my children. They often proclaim their genetics are responsible for anything resembling an achievement in regards to their children/grandchildren. I tell my kids their achievements are a result of their own hard work!
With springtime comes a flurry of allergens, which can wreak havoc on those like me, who are allergic to pollen. Eventually, my immunity weakens, and I get very ill. In the past weak, I may have had the stomach flu because I had the chill and wanted to sleep a lot. It’s been 6 days and the mucus is breaking up, and my mood is starting to improve as well.
I’ve particularly vulnerable to depression when I’m ill. When I am sick, I don’t feel as independent as when I’m healthy. Instead of being the planner, preparer, and provider, I become the cast-off. I got weepy at times when I think of what elderly people must feel when nobody checks in on them. What am I worth if I’ve placed all my value based on my abilities to do for others? What if I am unable to do such things? I haven’t considered who I will be apart for those humanly constructs.
Sometimes I wonder if depression is something to be “cured”. When I say this, what I really mean to say is, shouldn’t I give proper attention to my emotions, past trauma, and grief? Depression isn’t easily understood, not by Ph.D.’s, or lay people. As a chronic sufferer of depression, I choose to actively and healthily engage with the entanglements of mind, body, and spirit, when I seek to understand causes and I look for solutions.
- Life and its inhabitants are dynamic and complex.
- The purpose of life isn’t about one’s comfort, though I’ve falsely believed in “happiness” mantras.
- Consider depression a sign of depth. Some would have you simple repress your capacity for depth by diminishing your feelings. In many instances, doctors and therapists, are the only people equipped to understand a broader scope towards mental health issues. However, there are many lay people who don’t have Ph.D.’s but may have much wisdom about depression and other issues.
Depression is something in which I can’t medicate. I don’t respond well to several of the various classes of antidepressants. For this reason, I’ve been lead on a quest to understand depression- not necessarily to treat depression.