How Should I Feel About My Depression?

How Should I Feel About My Depression?

For about a week straight, I experienced depression. A number of things contributed to the manifestation of my depressed state. I will talk about the contributing factors before moving on to ruminating over my feelings and thoughts about depression.

Change in Seasons and The “Good” Life

For me, spring and summer don’t bring feelings of exhilaration. Why? They are both beautiful seasons. When I was a kid, I loved the freedom of summertime, playing with friends, walking around doing nothing. As an adult, I am the person responsible for everybody’s happiness. I must orchestrate car rides (with none other than myself), worry about safety issues, hand over money, feed everybody- stuff most women think about regularly. But, I have the side of me that wants to be the best provider for the family, keep up on the yard work, arrange car repairs, and home repairs. This is stuff both men and women must tend to in their lives. The problem is the I am not fluently either of those stereotypical roles, yet I feel compelled to excel at both roles, or I am plagued by guilt and envy.

I am embarrassed to say that I am often envious of my neighbors. The strange thing is, I am jealous that the dad has so much time and energy to spend playing with his son outside. I often don’t feel like even going outside, let alone playing outside! And I have considered that the neighbors are a couple, who are about 10 years younger than I and have only one child to chase.

The dad works to make home improvements every summer, while I keep putting off repairs (I am trying to pay off my current debt). I did paint the front steps last year and paid $500 for a household issue recently. It’s wrong to be envious of my neighbor’s lives. I don’t personally acquaint myself with them, and I have no right to make assumptions. Furthermore, I’m certain they have their own struggles, even if they differ from mine. When you observe others superficially, it’s easy to see only the surface issues. I want to give my family more, but I can’t overextend myself. I believe I have accepted my limitations, but I haven’t accepted all the limitations to my budget, my time and other resources. As soon as I learn to accept all these components, maybe I will turn away from envying what others have.

The Logistics of Family Well-Being

In the summer, I worry about my kids at home. My daughter attends a daytime summer camp for teens a few days each week. She seems to enjoy it, but I often worry about if she is eating right and getting along with others. As for my son, he is getting older and will have a job this summer. At least I hope he gets a job in town so he doesn’t have to come work with me in the humidity and harshness of the manufacturing industry.

We don’t have the means to go on vacations, and with the pressures of social media and peers, my kids feel somewhat unusual in comparison to other kids.

Expectations of Others

My ex-husband lacks respect and remorse when he lets down my kids. In our marriage, I often felt mismatched, not only emotionally, but intellectually, with him. In many ways, he had the mentality and maturity of an adolescent boy. In dealing with his kids, he exudes this same immaturity- for example, my daughter inquired about his sudden absence this past weekend. She poured out her heart, only to receive a simple, “k” in a text message.

I feel I’ve let my son down because he always makes snarky comments about my work shirts. It is as though he is ashamed that I have a blue-collar job. Instead of seeing things how I see them- as a strong woman who continues to battle depression and anxiety while taking on the responsibilities of life (keeping a home, paying bills, providing food and clothes for all), he believes his dad had the most potential, but assuredly failed the hardest. My ex’s family probably white-washed many ideas about their son towards my children. They often proclaim their genetics are responsible for anything resembling an achievement in regards to their children/grandchildren. I tell my kids their achievements are a result of their own hard work!

Illness.

With springtime comes a flurry of allergens, which can wreak havoc on those like me, who are allergic to pollen. Eventually, my immunity weakens, and I get very ill. In the past weak, I may have had the stomach flu because I had the chill and wanted to sleep a lot. It’s been 6 days and the mucus is breaking up, and my mood is starting to improve as well.

I’ve particularly vulnerable to depression when I’m ill. When I am sick, I don’t feel as independent as when I’m healthy. Instead of being the planner, preparer, and provider, I become the cast-off. I got weepy at times when I think of what elderly people must feel when nobody checks in on them. What am I worth if I’ve placed all my value based on my abilities to do for others? What if I am unable to do such things? I haven’t considered who I will be apart for those humanly constructs.

Sometimes I wonder if depression is something to be “cured”. When I say this, what I really mean to say is, shouldn’t I give proper attention to my emotions, past trauma, and grief? Depression isn’t easily understood, not by Ph.D.’s, or lay people. As a chronic sufferer of depression, I choose to actively and healthily engage with the entanglements of mind, body, and spirit, when I seek to understand causes and I look for solutions.

  • Life and its inhabitants are dynamic and complex.
  • The purpose of life isn’t about one’s comfort, though I’ve falsely believed in “happiness” mantras.
  • Consider depression a sign of depth. Some would have you simple repress your capacity for depth by diminishing your feelings. In many instances, doctors and therapists, are the only people equipped to understand a broader scope towards mental health issues. However, there are many lay people who don’t have Ph.D.’s but may have much wisdom about depression and other issues.

Depression is something in which I can’t medicate. I don’t respond well to several of the various classes of antidepressants. For this reason, I’ve been lead on a quest to understand depression- not necessarily to treat depression.

Finding Peace For A Troubled Soul

How a Self-Proclaimed Loser Finally Found Peace

By worldly standards. I haven’t achieved much, nor do I have much clout or influence. I do not have hundreds of friends and followers, in real life or on social media. The friendships I have managed to gain have not come easily or quickly. If it were not for having to interact with those individuals daily, I might not even be able to consider those people my friends.

In my life, I have only been a “winner” a handful of times. In middle school and high school, I achieved recognition for my artistic talents. My endeavors to obtain a career in graphic design failed. I was never able to finish college. Fate told me I could keep art and design as a side project, but not as a career- not at least at that time when I was in my twenties.

I had never considered writing as a career and thus, never realized my potential until more recent years. Writing is an especially sweet pursuit for those who struggle to be heard in the noise and busyness of life. One is almost forced to withdraw from the world in order to reflect and gain a fresh perspective on everything from relationships, money, family, pain, etc. Introverts are particularly gifted and drawn by writing.

When I was young, I turned neither to God or writing. I didn’t even try to draw much, but somehow believed that I should go to school for graphic design. Even though I was a very depressed and emotionally fragile person, I tried to attain what I felt the world was calling me to do- and I remained unfulfilled and unsuccessful in my pursuits.

Being poor was just one disadvantage of my youth. Our family no longer lived on the “right side of the tracks” once my grandfather died. My family lost touch with families in our middle-class neighborhood. Our family relocated after my dad was laid-off from his job. After the death of her only son, the family went to live in the upstairs of my great-grandmother’s house on the West Side of town.

My family was wrought with grief and anguish. Mom didn’t want to be torn away from the stability of our old neighborhood. Dad was struggling to keep it together after the loss of his father, and the loss of employment. They started fighting more, and we became poorer, in spirit, community and financially. 

A number of changes occurred to our family with regards to location status. None of these things provided any type of stability. As a result, I felt very insignificant and unworthy compared to other kids. When I saw other kids feeling happy and nurtured, I knew I was going through issues others my age did not face, and I faced them alone.

Only now, as an adult, can I see how selfish I was to consider only myself during those difficult years. Now that I am that parent that struggles to keep it together, I could only hope that my kids would be understanding of their mom. A mother who has tuned-out their emotional needs at times. I can vividly remember all the times I found parenting “short-cuts” to just get some kind of a mental break! Many of the “nobler” parents would gasp at how often I was disengaged, albeit, due to the emotional burn-out. 

Throughout my teens and twenties, I became more withdrawn and depressed. Even with my group of friends/drinking buddies, I felt a certain emptiness in my soul.

By my early twenties, I tried to conform and be an adult. Without any family support, I tried to make it on my own by working full time and going to school part-time. During those years of my teens and twenties, I believe God was calling me but I turned to substances, self-pity, and selfish ambition. I would still achieve anything in the world.

Marriage was also not the answer- a man was not the answer. At 35, I was alone with my two young children. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to correct my version of history by quickly marrying somebody I was not suited for in marriage. Not only did my own inadequacies cause me to make rash decisions, they altered the lives of my children.

We have managed to obtain some of the “good things” in life by now- a house (mortgage), security and stability. The kids no longer have to see drugs and alcohol in our neighborhood or home, but we are without emotional resources many times. In that emptiness, I have tried to fill the void once again, except not with alcohol like I did when I was young. Now my vices were seemingly more benign.

Credit cards- I tried to buy my family’s happiness with entertainment, food, clothing.

Food- I have turned to unhealthy foods to fill the void, and then I’ve purged in an effort to rid myself of the guilt of poor food choices.

Time- Instead of savoring every free moment with my family, I have been given over to passively leaking time on the internet and on social media.

Never could I offer God even just a little of my time in the morning to prepare me for the day. Instead, I turned to the wireless void of deceit (when not used sensibly). Instead of allowing God to manage my time, finances and other aspects of my life, I over-indulged or tried to allocate things as I saw fit.

Now, I spend a few minutes each morning (almost every morning), reading the Bible before I get ready for work. Connecting with God each day has changed my life significantly. I am able to move on past my flaws (sometimes after a good cry). When I am subject to depression and anxiety, I take comfort that I will overcome my emotions and feeling.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

 

Discovering Hope in the Midst of Depression

For years, my weight teetered around 150 lbs. I had a two-year “resonance” in 2012 when I got down to 135. My restricted diet at that time consisted of yogurt and no snacks in between meal. A few weeks ago, I installed the MyPlate app. Sometimes I logged my calories, sometimes I felt unmotivated and didn’t log my food. I figured I was eating right, even though I was hungry. To quell the hunger, I drank some high-calorie drinks.

In my mind, those delicious, high-calories drinks didn’t count as “real food”. When I felt those familiar carb-cravings, I succumbed to the urge to reward my brain– and in the process, deprived myself of health for simple hunger “fix.” Each day, I drank soda or an iced coffee. Sometimes chocolate milk.

Instead of choosing healthier food that would help my body work more efficiently, I opted to still have fast food. Then I weighed myself last week and discovered I gained 5 pounds, instead of losing any weight. For a 5’3 woman, my weight was too much. According to Rush University Medical Center, the ideal weight maximum for my height is about 143 pounds. I would love to be at 135, but I could accept 145.

Sometimes, I don’t even care that I am overweight. I say I don’t care because I have confidence that I can conquer the battle of the bulge. I know I can’t lose it overnight. It’s a slow process. When I see little progress, I decide I must not be doing something right, so I might as well have a Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino. Or, the family is eating Pizza Hut, might as well “break bread” and have a slice with them.

When I see myself in the mirror, I don’t see an overweight person. It can’t really be me in that mirror! That woman is not really fat, just a little frumpy.

I Have Issues With My Heart

Thump, thump, thump….ever since the doctor asked me if I experienced any heart fluttering, I listen for it more when I am laying down, or when I am at work. I can’t really say much else until I get the Holter device next week.

Anxiety And Panic Attacks

The diagnosis of the “extra” heartbeats (ectopic heartbeats, PVC’s), I’m wondering if I could have something else wrong. I feel as though just thinking about it today at work was making me nauseous and dizzy. In the mirror, I removed my glasses to re-apply fresh eyeliner. My face was as pale as a ghost. Or was it in my head?

Depression

Usually, by now, I’m riding the wave of mania.

No energy, only lots of yawning (despite sleeping 8 hours).

No creativity, no desire, no hope.

I’ve been thinking about how pointless hobbies and writing are to the grand scheme of everything. There is really nothing new, nothing in the world that hasn’t been said, written, painted, or sung about previously. What is life when you take away all the pleasures and activities we stuff into our lives?

Still, I smile at jokes. I enjoy my friends at work. I love my family. There is a lot of brokenness in my family. More significant people in this world have a strong network of caring people. My mother disowned me 10 years ago. There is a brokenness in the relationship, but for me, it is also brokenness about the idea of “motherhood.” Mother’s Day is rapidly approaching.

Last year, I had to leave a church service on Mother’s Day because I couldn’t stop crying. Everybody was watching me too since the pastor called attention to all the single moms in the room. The pain and loss of my own (living) mother affect how I see myself sometimes (for instance, a failure at being a daughter, a failure at not meeting my own expectations of “mother”). Even people that have been rejected or worse, abused, by a mother, still experience a loss when that person is no longer of a part of their lives.

Neverending Worries

Why does it seem as though people like me, people suffering from anxiety or depression, can’t ever take it easy, or enjoy life? Everybody else seems comfortable, quite content and happy in the things of this world.

Here I am in this world. Just like anybody else that you see. A little bit imperfect, no visible clues about the pain inside. Hiding the pain, denying pain, like many people in the world.

Words of Hope

Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Matthew 11:28 ESV

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

John 16:33 ESV

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”